K.K. Trench is an absolutely regular surface dweller human man and not three kobolds standing atop each other’s shoulders inside a trenchcoat. This journal records his observations of surface rites, rituals and culture – for documentation purposes, absolutely not for later use as an invasion guide.
Venture On-
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We (a world-famous artist and not three kobolds in a trenchcoat squatting in a penthouse) have struck a bargain with the spirit inhabiting the TV – a conceited spirit, it only answers when its full name is invoked, but once appeased it seems this “Alexa” the Unseen will grant us any wish. Klok spoke of his desire for finest cheeses and within the hour a knock on the portal of our new lair lead to the discovery of a mighty metal dome, covering a wide selection of the foulest-smelling cheeses we have ever seen. Our eyes watering, we greedily consumed the bounty.
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+ alexa the unseen, cursed artifact, forbidden knowledge, headless guardian, kobold logic, penthouse ritual, relic containment failure, ritual cheese, smart tv, surface media, the monkey, voice-activated spirit+
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We (a man of status, not three kobolds trying to fit inside one trenchcoat) were taken to a surface fortress of great luxury: The House Royal. As befitting our status after conquering “City Hall” in an honorable duel, we were taking by a large metal chariot driven by a serf to afraid to even make eye-contact (Krak still pulled the fedora low, lest our disguise be spoiled).
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+ city hall aftermath, coat of camouflage, complimentary offerings, cursed technology, fancy hotel, glass fortress, house royal, kobold logic, mistaken identity, surface ritual, trenchcoat diplomacy, tv ritual+
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We (a guy who was always here, not three kobolds who accidentally tunneled their way to the surface world) have been challenged to a duel to the death for the right to keep our Lair 2B. After days of rigorous training with the Iron Maiden we assembled into our trenchcoat for what might be the last time and set out to do mortal combat with this “City Inspector”.
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+ 3kobolds blog, city hall, eviction, housing department, kobolds, luxury hotel, misunderstanding, relocation, satire, surface rituals, trenchcoat, Urban Fantasy+
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We (one guy, one coat, zero kobolds) were in our Lair 2B when the TV box switched on by itself again. It was an unruly surface relic (it even scared Klok) – we had grown used to its occasional demands to “BUY NOW WHILE SUPPLIES LAST” but this was different. As though the entity possessing it knew that we shall soon face a dreaded warlock in mortal combat, images of surface warriors preparing for battle appeared. Not to look a gift cat in the mouth, we immediately gathered around to observe.
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+ 80s workout, battle hymn, city hall prep, comedy writing, cursed tv, fantasy parody, iron maiden, kobold blog, kobold training, spandex cult, surface rituals, workout tape+
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We (a regular surface human like everyone, not three kobolds from deep below the earth hiding in a trenchcoat) were exploring the city once more. Klik could smell popcorn and steamed canines – but not from the place of moviegoing. We followed his nose to a “park” – a hostile surface zone, full of trees and grass and plants. While we were very much disgusted by it all, the scent of popcorn wafting on the air drove us onward.
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+ cultural confusion, eldritch performance, kobold blog, misunderstood theater, park exploration, popcorn mystery, public rituals, scavenging, street food, surface rituals, trenchcoat adventures, urban survival+
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We (one perfectly capable human, not three hung-over kobolds) were finally recovering from the effects of that diabolical brew when the pounding from inside our heads turned out to be pounding outside our Lair 2B. Our portal was being furiously rattled, and before we could utter the words of banishment (we’ve heard the phrase “I gave at the office” used to great effect by our next door neighbor, Fast Vik) we heard footsteps approaching. Someone had disrespected the boundary of our lair and entered uninvited. We were furious.
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+ amateur magic, blog fiction, city inspector, eviction, kobolds, lair 2b, summoning, surface rituals, trenchcoat, Urban Fantasy+
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We (a manly man with a distinguished fashion sense, not some kobolds in a trenchcoat) were exploring the surface in the early morning hours when we saw an alchemist’s apprentice unloading a stock of potions from a large metal chariot bearing the symbol of the sun itself on its side.
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+ blog fiction, cursed artifacts, drinking, hangover, humor, kobolds, magic, misunderstanding, potion, Urban Fantasy+
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We (one regular person, not three hungry kobolds hiding in a trenchcoat) were foraging for food – after multiple visits to the Temple of McDon-Ald, our found card of credit seems to have been “declined” – clearly it has run out of whatever arcane ritual energy powered it. We thanked the relic for its service and honorably discarded it.
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+ 3kobolds, busking, hot dogs, humor writing, K.K. Trench, kobold life, silly adventures, surface rituals, trenchcoat kobolds, Urban Fantasy+
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We (100% of a single person, not 100% kobold three times) were attempting to conjure cheese through our previously-found relic of Amma Zone when the floor of our lair of 2B began to tremble horribly. At first we assumed it was merely Klok’s stomach protesting the lack of cheese but as the shaking would not cease we garbed ourselves in our robe of camouflage and ventured outside.
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+ garbage truck, humor writing, kobold blog, lair life, modern fantasy, offering ritual, silly fantasy, strange encounters, surface dwellers, urban fantasy humor+
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The K.K. Trench Blog 